Understanding Our Behaviors
Learning About The Forces That Shape Our Behavior
We all have behaviors: routines we follow, reactions we display, decisions we make almost on autopilot. These are the observable actions that make up our daily lives. Sometimes these behaviors serve us well, driving us towards our goals and enriching our connections. Other times, they feel like stumbling blocks, keeping us stuck in patterns we desperately want to change. But have you ever stopped to truly consider why we behave the way we do? It’s a fascinating and empowering journey to look beneath the surface of our actions.
Invisible Drivers: What Shapes Our Behavior?
Our behaviors aren’t random. They’re intricate expressions of our internal world, shaped by complexity and a variety of factors, many of them which operate in our subconscious mind. Think of behaviors as the tip of an iceberg, there’s a vast, unseen structure supporting what’s visible.
At the deepest level, our actions are often guided by our beliefs and values. If you hold a core belief like “I’m not good enough,” that belief will likely manifest in behaviors like procrastination, avoiding challenges, or self-sabotage. At the same time, our fundamental values, like integrity, freedom, or connection will instinctively guide our choices and reactions, shaping how we show up in the world.
From a young age, our brains learn to associate certain actions with particular outcomes. This is past experiences and conditioning at play. If a specific behavior leading to a positive feeling, we are more likely to repeat it. On the other hand, if it leads to pain or a negative consequence, we are more likely to avoid it. This conditioning, often deep-seated through repeated experiences, forms a powerful behavioral habit that can almost feel automatic.
Emotions are also powerful catalysts. When we feel anxious, we might avoid social situations. When we are angry, we might lash out. When we’re happy, we might seek connection. Our behaviors are frequent attempts to manage, escape, or maintain a specific emotional state, even if we’re not consciously aware of the underlying feeling driving our actions.
All human beings also have fundamental needs and desires – for safety, connection, significance, growth, and contribution. Many of our behaviors are direct or indirect attempts to meet these underlying needs. For instance, constantly seeking validation might be a behavior driven by a need for significance, or overworking could stem from a need for security. We’re always striving to fulfill these core human needs.
Our environmental cues and triggers play a significant role. Specific places, people, times of day, or even sensory inputs like a certain smell or sound can act as triggers, pushing us into habitual behaviors without much conscious thought. Think of how walking to the kitchen can trigger a snack craving, regardless of actual hunger, because that environment is linked to a certain routine.
On a biological level, our brains form neural pathways. The more we repeat a behavior, the stronger and more efficient that pathway becomes, making it easier for the brain to default to that action. This intrinsic brain wiring explains why habits, both good and unhelpful, can feel so automatic and difficult to break. They are literally etched into our neurological landscape.
Why Unpacking Behavior Matters
Understanding why we do what we do is a very important act of self-discovery. When we grasp the root causes of our behaviors, we gain a renewed sense of choice and agency. Instead of feeling controlled by our habits, we realize we have options. We can consciously choose to respond differently to triggers or challenge the limiting beliefs that have held us back.
This understanding also creates self-compassion. Seeing our behaviors as outcomes of underlying drivers, rather than simply character flaws, fosters greater empathy towards ourselves. This helps us move away from harsh judgment and towards genuine understanding, which is essential for growth. Crucially, it enables effective change. Trying to alter a behavior without addressing its root cause is like cutting the top of a weed without pulling the roots – it will just grow back. Understanding the “why” allows for deep, sustainable transformation. When we understand the drivers of our own behavior, we often gain invaluable insight and empathy for the actions of others, leading to more understanding and connections in all areas of our lives.
Reshaping Your Behavioral Landscape: A Coaching Approach
Now you might be asking: how can you begin to intentionally reshape your behavior? It starts with mindful observation and a courageous will to explore your inner world.
Becoming a behavior detective. Start by noticing a specific behavior you’re curious about or want to change. Pay close attention to when it happens, who you’re with, and what you’re thinking of feeling right before it occurs. What underlying need might this behavior be attempting to meet, even if it is not serving you well? The goal here isn’t to judge yourself but simply to observe and gather information without attachment.
Trace it back to beliefs. Once you’ve identified a consistent pattern, look deeper and ask yourself: What core belief might be fueling this? For example, if you consistently pull back from opportunities, is there an underlying conviction like “I’m not capable” or “I don’t truly deserve success”? Write these beliefs down, and then consciously challenge them. Is there any evidence for this belief, is it real fact? Or is it simply an old story you’ve been telling yourself for years?
Identify and disrupt triggers. Pinpoint the specific cues that tend to initiate unwanted behaviors. Once you are aware of the triggers, you can then consciously choose to introduce a pause before reacting, insert a different, more constructive action, or even remove yourself from the triggering environment altogether. If you find yourself mindlessly scrolling on social media, which is a trigger for procrastination, perhaps putting your phone in another room while you work could make a significant difference.
Explore the emotional connection. Get truly curious about the emotions that consistently accompany behavior. If you habitually comfort eat, what emotion are you trying to soothe or escape? Once that underlying emotion is identified, you can begin to explore healthier coping strategies or find more direct and effective ways to address that emotion without turning to old behavioral patterns.
Design for success. Don’t solely rely on sheer willpower, rather proactively design your environment and daily routines to naturally support your desired behaviors. Want to exercise more? Lay out your workout clothes the night before. Want to eat healthier? Stock your fridge with healthier options and intentionally clear out tempting snacks. The goal here is to make the desired behavior the easiest and most accessible option.
Practice conscious repetition and embrace self-compassion. Building new neural pathways and anchoring new habits takes consistent effort over time. Deliberately practice the new, desired behavior, starting with small, manageable steps. Celebrate these small wins to reinforce the positive associations in your brain. Changing deeply ingrained behaviors will inevitably involve slip-ups. When they occur, resist the urge to fall into self-criticism. Instead, view these moments as valuable lessons. Failure is feedback on what you can do better the next time around.
Understanding our behaviors is a lifelong expedition into self-awareness. By exploring the hidden drivers behind our actions, we gain the ability to make intentional choices, creating empowering new habits, and ultimately shape a life that more fully aligns with our authentic self.