Mastering Behaviors and their patterns

Understanding Your Behavior

We have all been there. That moment of clarity, fueled by a new year’s decision, things need to change, I’m going to the gym first thing next year. We envision a fitter, calmer, more productive version of ourselves. Yet for many people, these aspirations remain just that – aspirations. The gym membership gathers dust, the healthy eating plan crumbles after a week, and old habits quickly reclaim their place.

The frustration that accompanies these cycles of intention and relapses can be frustrating and undesirable. But the truth is that changing our behavior isn’t about willpower alone. It’s about understanding the intricate dance between our thoughts, emotions, and actions, and then intentionally creating a new routine. It’s an art, yes, but one that can be learned, practiced and mastered.

So, how do we move from wanting to change to actually changing? Let’s break it down.

1. The foundation: Why Do You Want to Change?

Before you set out on any new journey, you need a clear destination and a compelling reason to get there. Many attempts at behavior change falter because the “why” is shallow or not truly your own. Are you trying to lose weight because society tells you to, or because you genuinely want more energy to play with your kids?

Coaching Tip: Go deep, Ask yourself:

· What is the true, underlying motivation for this change?

· How will this change positively impact my life, beyond the obvious?

· What pain or discomfort am I trying to move away from, and what joy or fulfillment am I trying to move towards?

The more emotionally resonant and personally meaningful your “why,” the stronger your foundation will be when challenges inevitably arise.

2. Deconstruct the Behavior: Understanding the “What” and the “How”

Once your “why” is crystal clear, it’s time to investigate the behavior you wish to change. Many times, we focus on the action itself (“I want to stop procrastinating”) without understanding the triggers, routines, and rewards perpetuate it.

Coaching Tip: Consider using a “habit loop” framework (cue, routine, reward) to understand your current behavior:

· Cue: What triggers the unwanted behavior? Is it stress, boredom, a specific time of day, or a particular person/place.

· Routine: What is the actual behavior you want to change? Be specific.

· Reward: What do you get from this behavior, even if it’s short-lived? Is it comfort, distraction, a sense of accomplishment (even if it’s just avoiding a harder task)?

For example, if you want to stop scrolling on your phone, the cue might be a moment of downtime, the routine is picking up your phone and opening social media, and the reward is a momentary escape or dopamine hit. Understanding this loop is key for disruption.

3. Design Your New Routine: Replace, Don’t Just Remove

The human brain tends to fill empty spots. Simply trying to eliminate an unwanted behavior without replacing it with a new one is often a recipe for failure. Instead, focus on designing a new routine that serves a similar underlying need but in a more constructive way.

Coaching Tip:

· Identify alternatives: For your identified cue, what new positive routine could you implement that provokes a similar (or better) reward? If the reward for scrolling is distraction, perhaps reading a book or going for a short walk could offer a similar mental break.

· Start small: Don’t try to overhaul everything at once, choose one small, manageable change to focus on. Instead of “I’ll go to the gym for an hour every day,” try “I’ll do 10 minutes of stretching every morning.” Small wins will build momentum and confidence.

· Make it easy: Remove obstacles. If you want to exercise, lay out your clothes the night before. If you want to eat healthier, pre-chop veggies. The less friction, the more likely you are to stick with it. Make it easy for yourself.

· Anchor it: Link your new behavior to an existing, established habit. For example, “After I brush my teeth, I will do 5 push-ups.”

Coaching Tip:

Practice self-compassion: Instead of putting yourself down, acknowledge the slip-up without judgement. “Okay, I ate the cookie. What did I learn from this? What can I do differently next time?”

Reframe setbacks as data: Each deviation from your desired path provides valuable information. Was the cue too strong? Was the new routine not rewarding enough? Use this data to refine your approach,

Get back on track immediately: Don’t let one slip become a full-blown relapse. The moment you recognize you’ve deviated from the plan, gently guide yourself back.

5. Build Support and Accountability

You don’t have to go at it alone. Social support can be a great support source for change. Sharing your goals and progress with others can provide encouragement, motivation, and a sense of accountability.

Coaching Tip:

· Find an accountability partner: Someone who understands your goals and can check in with you regularly.

· Join a community: Whether it’s an online forum, a local group, or a class, being part of the collective working towards similar goals can be incredibly motivating.

Changing behaviors is an iterative process of experimentation, learning and refinement. It requires patience, persistence and understanding of oneself. But by consciously and with compassion applying these principles, you can move beyond simply wishing for change and truly step into the art of reinventing yourself, one deliberate behavior at a time.